Why “Speak Out Loud“? Before I even really knew what a blog was, a friend showed me the verse… “I will not die but live, and proclaim what the Lord has done.”* I have loved these words for over a year now, but only recently have they been a source of courage to speak out loud about God’s relentless grasp and mercy in my life. For years I have let an eating disorder speak for me, so you can only imagine how communicating in a blog sort of feels like I am yelling!
I already know it is worth it because of the hope I have that you too can fight to live the life God has for you. Not too long ago, I absolutely reached a point of exhaustion in climbing a wall that was only getting higher. I just couldn’t do it anymore. I sat down in the floor of my bedroom and just cried out to Jesus. I physically opened my hands and asked Him to take it all. All of my pride in the eating disorder. All of the fear of not punishing myself anymore for being a “bad Christian example,” …just everything. I am so glad I was sitting on the floor because I was so humbled by our communication and the peace He gave me. Jesus never ever responds to us as we deserve.
I choose to “speak out loud” to address my fight against the mental torture I have let the enemy inflict on me for more years than I can recall. God has given me the desire to not only live, but thrive and the tactics needed to do so. As I speak out loud, I recognize the power our words carry. They are not the words I am used to, but I am adjusting! The desire to truly live is relatively new for me, but God’s words to me are life-giving. I’ve been “merely existing” exceptionally well, and these days of reading may begin with the temptation to exist, but they will not close that way. They are about thriving for the first time in my life.
I am not writing these words to you as someone who is a counselor or authority on depression and medication, eating disorder or self abuse. I am a wife and mom, a daughter and friend, a sister and a child of God, who has lived with these issues and gets up every single day refusing to let any of these weaknesses make me want to die more than live. But with surrender, changes do come, and God is absolutely carrying me to a life of amazement in Him and in my value in His eyes.
I sometimes see you when I am at the grocery store, recitals, malls, and church, and I can hear you silently saying “I don’t want to disappear, but I am struggling with all that I am to live.” Yes, I see you, and I’ve been there with that same silent scream, but most importantly, God sees you just as He sees me. He sees you and has a plan for you greater than you can fathom. I have not arrived in my healing and in daily overcoming and, honestly, some days are better than others. But when I allow my days to have a change of course, it is because I have chosen to be rescued by Jesus Himself, not by a diet coke (my caffeine fix…) and I do so much better! I hope the rawness that comes through as I am relearning to live resonates with you and gives you the courage to “speak out loud” to others who need to hear you speak hope into their lives.