Around the time I get to write to you, things sort of shift in my heart and mind from daily goings on, to being more mindful and thoughtful and I guess, in a way, solemn in my spirit even if I don’t come across as such. You see, sharing about my life in the victories and the struggles and the joy during the challenges, is just different than writing to you about the weather and I know you get that. And I’m good with this because I feel excited to share with you. I feel so thankful that I get to write my truth to you and you not, to my knowledge, freak out!
It’s been awhile, my friend, since we’ve shared how we are doing…how our challenges are keeping us, more likely than not, on our toes, yet hopefully not ruling our world. I’ve missed this exchange, thus the reason for me reaching out to you. In other words…I’m still afloat! Are you?
Anorexia!!!!! I’m exhausted of the daily regimen it requires of me to take steps forward or to even stay in the place where I am without digressing. Truly. I’m struggling both with my mind and the lies I’ve believed for so many years that they honestly sound and feel true, like my fear of eating when I’m full. I’ve known that my “full button” is broken and that if I wait to be hungry to eat, I won’t. My body looks bigger to me than it actually is, I am taught, because of the body dysmorphia that can come along with eating disorders in general. But I forget that when I look in the mirror, and I get scared and tired of the whole scene.
I don’t know… I’ve been setting impossible standards for myself lately, my friend. I know you aren’t pressuring me to be anywhere but where I am. No one is, but I pressure me. Sometimes I have higher hopes, but this is where I am. So, do you know what I’m going to need to do whether I feel like it or not -because I do not. Take a step forward…then another and another and not stop. I won’t quit. I have people who I can’t choose to disappoint another day.
You and I both know that a shift must occur, on the daily, to stay committed. When the shift doesn’t occur, I don’t function.
So…what does this “shift” look like in my world? I’ve got to get up from where I am currently lying, that’s for sure. Somedays I give myself options and my depression kicks in and I choose wrong. I choose to sleep and not eat and then everything gets messed up…everything. Even while tying the sash on my robe and walking into the kitchen, I’ve got to be disciplined and pray against the lies of anorexia even then. Like…if I eat when I’m not hungry, that I’ll gain an insurmountable amount of weight. I’ve been taught this is a lie, and I know it is, but it still haunts me. To fight this, I’ll sit in the kitchen and eat one bite after the next of my breakfast.
Why must this be so very hard?
Because. Because when I do things on my own, Jesus goes out of the picture of my life, and it becomes meaningless. And it becomes lonely. And I get lost and the world gets bigger than it already is and I lose my ability to tie the robe on that begins my morning process of fighting to live. It’s about the next step. I know that you can’t see me, but I can’t help but let a smile sneak onto my face right now because this part of my life never changes. And I’m glad. My focus hasn’t changed since we last exchanged stories. When all else seems to trick me, my focus still gets to be Jesus himself. And as he helps me eat, I find peace in the presence of my breakfast date. Then, my friend, I can breathe because obedience feels good and it is good. No matter what you and I face…no matter how hard things get, let’s always bring one another back to Jesus especially if we can tell we aren’t going back to him on our own. That’s what living in community does. “Fix your eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of your faith.” Hebrews 12:2
“I need thee oh I need thee, every hour I need the oh bless me now my savior I come to thee.”
- (I Need Thee Every Hour, Robert Lowery)
I so hope you are doing well. Life is a precious process and you in my life is a tremendous gift.
Please know that I pray for you. Whatever your next decision may be in your day, know that I am fighting to take that next step right along with you!
Love to you,