This morning I got up and quickly decided to lie back down. Could I do life today? I wrapped myself tightly back into my soft covers that always welcome me and closed my eyes hard. I knew what my mind would chant, and I knew I would have the choice to combat it with Scriptures, whether or not I committed to a day standing upright. Change takes so much energy!!!! Especially when one of the changes is to obey God and eat. The very thing I habitually resist is the very thing that keeps me alive…food. I don’t want to lose another moment of another day, and when I wake up and my head hurts pretty bad, it reminds me that I am not eating enough, so I am dehydrated. Not a great reality to start my day, but this can so change because I am not a slave to the eating disorder when I commit to honor God and eat. One eye at a time reopened with uncertain commitment. On the wall adjacent to my bed is a huge lime green (yep…lime green (: ) poster I made just over a year ago. I posted this large reminder on my wall for reasons having nothing to do with my decorating motif! In my fight for new thoughts and truths in order to become what I believe, rather than the absolute lies, I have to practice! I have these reminders up all around our house. My family has adjusted to my “artwork” as I also write on mirrors. I know it’s sort of weird, but I have to remind myself of what is devastatingly hard for me to accept. The words on my poster are phrases like, “you are not a mistake;” “it’s ok to take up space;” “EAT!” “hurting yourself is not an option” “God does not abandon,” and “Jesus loves me." These words are scattered across this space to coax me into believing I should get up and get my Bible into my hands.
On this day, I purposefully continued from our room past the kitchen into my “holy place”…aka…the laundry room, where I have tucked into a small bag a tiny plastic cup and some crackers. I had only experienced communion at church as a congregation on seldom occasions, but I have learned differently in these seasons of healing. It’s for Jesus and me to have alone also. Life is a gift and privilege, so I start by acknowledging this gift and confessing to Him. As I eat the little cracker representing His sacrificed body, and drink the juice representing His blood shed on the cross, I ask Him to please continue to heal my mind and body and thank Him for His faithfulness in this. As I sit on the floor of my “holy room,” I am so blessed by the communion and conversation and healing that transpire there. It gives me the courage to move on to a bite of breakfast, and then another.
It is healing to hand God my mind. Sometimes I want to run away and stop dealing with life, as I can see it on tough days, but, in the next moment, I know with all of my heart I won't. I want to know Jesus as more than just the One who created me, and right now, this is how we stay close. Because you see, He never moved and He has never changed. Amazingly, God’s adoration for me makes me want to take His hand and let Him take me one step at a time…one meal at a time…through this day.
The mirror above my sink has at least 2 brief verses written on it with washable marker. Currently, it reads, ”Trust Me with all of your heart, Stacee, and do not lean on your own understanding; in everything, acknowledge Me , and I will make your path straight” (Proverbs 3:5-6). I need His truths, and with verses on my mirror, I begin to see myself differently. It’s taking so much trust, and I do get frustrated. Letting go of my “best friend” is scary, but this friendship kills, so I’m out!
Jesus… we need You more than ever right where we are today. Thank you for your faithfulness to us even when we live like we don’t want Your help. We acknowledge we are in need of You to save us from ourselves, Father. With You, we are never alone. We praise You and choose You for the help You are eager to give. In Jesus name we thank You for hope in You and for the promise that You see us as valuable! Thank You, Father!
Love To You, Stacee