You, the amazing readers of my posts, are absolutely loved by me! Your support has overflowed in your comments. Thank you and thank you, too, on behalf of Rylee, my 15-year-old who wrote the last post - you were beyond encouraging to that little gal. We are a blessed family and much of that is attributed to you. As you know, our girls have not gone through this life unscathed by any means, and we are thankful they are letting God in and walking with Him. Because of an abundance of prayer, I cannot see evidence that their minds work like mine. I am so relieved and thankful. Your encouragement melts me! Geese, the Pond, and God
I reached over with one finger and pushed the lock button in the passenger door of our car, and Doug pushed the unlock button. I once again pushed the lock button, and he again pressed the unlock button. We repeated this cycle not once, but at least 5 times. There have actually been several times in my life that I, without a doubt, knew I was supposed to do something but simultaneously wanted to run in a full-out sprint in the opposite direction! This was one of those moments…one of those times. You know…I didn’t even put much of anything into my bag for my stay because I was hoping that if I showed willingness to even show up, that this would in itself show I didn’t need to be there! It takes tough love and more than enough love to get someone in your life the help they need. I was scared, but I trusted my love, in my fear, to help me. I physically felt so bad, and he knew this was where I needed to be…It was time.
Each day, from the time I wake up until I lie down to rest, I am trying to remember what I learned in treatment, and act in the present using these new tools. My mind has not caught up with the nutrition my body has received yet. It takes time. My mind rarely calms down, and I am not able to do much activity yet since my return home. It’s just not best until my treatment team is confident I can hold steady for longer in my weight range and not “purge” through the abuse of activity. I’ve said it before, but my reality is that my organs need extensive time to trust me, and I have to prove to my body that I am going to continue to feed it…this is my new job and I won’t allow myself to quit my new position.
The pond? This was a special place for me while away. I would walk there often, but my mindset, as I would go on these walks, was proof of my sickness. I was eating and sitting a lot, and wow this made the eating disorder angry! Again,walking any amount was a welcome option, but only for a limited time was the agreement so that my body would keep the nourishment I was receiving. As I headed to the pond, I would have so many negative thoughts that, when I think of them even now, they still hurt me. “People go to places to lose weight , not to gain weight!” “What am I doing to myself?’ “What kind of person doesn’t want to eat? You should be grateful to have food!” But one of my most important thoughts from my time at the pond is a memory I don’t want to forget, though I am afraid at times I will.
Even now, as I have to rest often, I go for walks in my mind instead of taking physical walks, and my walks are to this pond. I remember the serenity I feel which comes only from being by water. The water was calm…. until a family of geese would trot into the water and the ripple effect was most disturbing to the glassy view. Cocky little group! But a group nonetheless. They stayed close together. Heading to the water, however, there was a walking path where these birds would stop for a moment and relieve themselves! As I walked around the pond, the remnants of their “bathroom break” made for tricky footwork. So gross! It wasn’t as disgusting if I didn’t looked down, so I focused on the water and its beauty, and the geese who stuck together, and my walk was amazing.
God grew my thankfulness for the help I was receiving…by the water. God helped me pray specifically for my family and you…by the water. God gave me hope for getting through the next meal…on the path by the water. The geese reminded me that I have support. One major key for my recovery is to not isolate and to use the support in my life as time goes along. I just have to appreciate the sidewalk as it represents the messiness of where I am while using these new tools…trying to let go of negative and harmful coping mechanisms, and eat. Symbolism at its best. God put it right in front of me for the taking and when I allow myself to, my mind revisits the pond, the geese, mess and all, and with humility in this vulnerable place I am in …Himself.
As I would sit then walk and sit and think, the answers to those abusive questions would begin to show up. “Gaining nutrition is your key to life. Period. You won’t survive without it. This is the place to do it.”
“What am I doing?...agreeing to do the bravest thing I can..choose life when the anorexia makes me want to die every single day.”
“Food? I've always been thankful for food for others, but I could never do enough to deserve to put it in my mouth…until now as my mind is being retrained.”
These dialogues are constant in my mind. And yes, I know that it’s a battle I don’t have to surrender to. Nothing is familiar though. I am in new uncharted territory. God has everything to offer in His gentleness. He comes and validates that I am doing my very best. And I am more than enough because He is more than enough. Same with you! Same with your battle.
Will you please unlock the door, get out, and one step at a time, let God lead you to the pond He has for you…and to Himself? When fear is all you see and feel, I pray that God will help you to stop pushing whatever the” lock button” may represent in your life. Surrendering is often and messy, and the walk can be messier still, but the water is amazing, and maybe, just maybe, you’ll meet a group of cocky geese who will demonstrate the disadvantage of looking down!
Love to You!
Please trust this truth..... "But apart from me you can do nothing: that is, nothing of eternal value. My deepest desire for you is that you learn to depend on Me in every situation." (Jesus Calling, page 261)