No Straight Lines
I know…I say this all the time but choosing to admit it’s reality, when I’m tired of trying, is just so hard. Recovery is not a straight line. I’ll say it again…recovery is not a straight line.
When I see that my eating disorder and stress are affecting me, that’s not okay. But when it flows over to those I love, I don’t know where to be or what to say again that won’t sound like an untrue echo. It silences me and I already fight to ‘speak out loud.’ I begin to grasp for reassurance that I’m not too much to handle. I get overwhelmed with why people - people who I love with all that I am - haven’t come to the end of their ability to stay with me, stay the course when it’s foggy on the path. I have an illness that makes me beyond tired and others frustrated at the very least. And rightly so. I feel bad for them.
My relationship with God, my family, and my friends are what make me tick. I care deeply about how what I face 24/7 makes them feel. I’m not clueless enough to think they, besides God, always have the ability to compartmentalize my wake of anorexia and depression. Do I think another diagnosis would be easier? Nope. Not at all. But I know this taunting game, and I pray for the resilience of those God lets me do life and community with.
The only one who gets me from point A to point “A ½” even is Jesus. And just as much as I know that recovery is not a straight line, I know with all of my being that the One who knows when the line is jumbled into stringy mess, is the One who sees the beginning and end of this not just difficult, but vicious, journey. A journey which wants to take my ability to speak, to cry for help and to even take my life.
What people with eating disorders and/or depression deal with isn’t an after-thought. It’s not a manipulation unless they turn it into one. These illnesses suck the life out of people who are fighting and winning let alone those who are worn out and give up the fight. I will not quit, but man – my screaming mind!
Today is a tough day and, if I’m not incredibly intentional, a tough day can evolve into a season. Time can begin to pass with no evidence of the “recovery line” ever having an end.
Recovery…. no, it’s not a straight line. But I can still see the line, and God knows “my line” intimately too. And I need His help. Do you? Cry out to Him. He hears. He sees. He heals.
Tough post today, I know. But I can’t only report the solid days in recovery even when clearly its more fun. That’s not my reality or my commitment to you as we walk this out together. God’s nearness in this midst of this is my reality, though. He can be yours as well.
Love and hope to you
-Stacee