Living In Your Legacy
Dear friends,
I hated the situation I found myself in. Shelbee, my oldest, was a new college student. Rylee was a sophomore in high school, Doug was in a new job, and I had been away for eating disorder treatment longer than even my doctors at home had anticipated. Everyone of us was tired. Tired of being a part, longing to be together or at least know we could be. We were in different zip codes, and we were all where we were supposed to be but man, it was just hard. We were used to being under one roof - sticking together - used to knowing that no matter where our schedules led us that day - we'd end up with all four of our cars lined up in our long narrow driveway at some point each evening.
Greatly anticipating the process to transition from partial inpatient to home, I was very aware that my last month of hospitalization had been incredibly bumpy. My body was trying to figure out how in the world to digest the food I was attempting to commit to with and without accountability. I had been cutting some more with any tool I could find to keep myself in check. Since I was going to eat to gain nutrition and live, my mind was looking for other ways to hurt me. Sick. I didn't feel stable - 100% - under control - safe - willing - surrendered to God and not abuse. I still had the tiniest desire to sneak (cheat) - and I could still feel just reckless enough. That's not the time to settle. This was not the time to be overly nervous in my new body and new sized clothes. I knew this wasn't truly, deeply, honestly where I wanted to be. There wasn't quite an even split in my mind - ½ sick and ½ wise anymore, but this wasn't "it."
I had to get help to make a wise decision so that, once again, it didn't have to be made for me. The people in this place, this position - mostly my doctors and Doug - were weary of anorexia's relentless cycles. I needed to stay in treatment for one more month.
Do you? Do you need to stop pretending you are where you actually aren’t yet? It’s ok! Be honest with God. Be honest with yourself.
Even if you're not in a treatment center, you know bondage. You know when you're being controlled by a substance, self-harm, someone. What do you need to do?
I wasn't and still am not a "model" patient. I suffer and struggle. I cry and get scared. Then I go to bed and get up and try to not only do it all over again, but do it better than the day before. One bite, one decision, one shuffle if not even a step. Why? Because if I don't finish what I started there in the hospital? I can't be with my family, let God love me, and break the cycles that have, at times been a hair away from absolutely breaking me!
No matter what your issue, addiction, struggle, finish one step. Just start! :)
One day you'll look back, if only in your peripheral vision, and you'll see the legacy you are letting God help you make is worth not only leaving for others, but worth living in now.
Let's finish what we start, friends. I'm trying here, so messily, so imperfectly, but please try with me! I was at treatment for three-plus months, and I could've cut my inpatient stay short. It would have been wrong - I needed more time.
As I walked slowly back into the hospital, this time on my own, I saw my girls' tears and the weariness of my husband's body as they stood and watched me go back through the doors for month #4. One month later I was home and able to continue the fight for my life.
I want to challenge you - do the right thing. Ask God what that's supposed to look like for today and begin to choose life. You are worth saving!
Love to you always-
Stacee